NOSTALGIA IS A WEAPON

My. I’d really and truly forgotten about this place.

I don’t really know how I wound up here, but here I am, alone and awake in the post-2am hours for the first time in many months. It’s a bizarre slice of life: no matter how well things may be going, it’s still possible to land in a once-familiar place, empty and lonely, staring off into dead air and longing for some kind of peace that just isn’t waiting here to be found.

I miss so many people, and so many things.

……….

Goddammit.

This music video is fucking awesome. Check it out. That is all.

I hate buying only beer on a trip to the grocery store. I knew I should’ve gone to the liquor store. As expected, I received all sorts of dirty looks carrying my two six-packs toward the checkout. I mean, come the fuck on, I’m all of 130 lbs, you think I’m going to drink this by myself?

So then the woman at the checkout line is apparently in love with Tennessee. When she checked my license… well, an odd conversation ensued:

Her: Oh! I LOVE Tennessee! That’s my state!
Me: Really? Where are you from?
Her: The Virgin Islands.
Silence.
Me: Um… where in….
Her: Oh, I love to go to Nashville and visit the Grand Ole Opry.
Me: Uh-huh, it’s pretty neat.
Her: What’s the real estate like in Nashville right now?

After hastily explaining that I had no idea, I left. After all, I was in the express lane.

Evidently (because apparently I use “apparently” too often, as I just observed on a rereading of past entries) Naomi Watts likes the “What The Fuck”-style storyline. Yeah, so everybody needs to see Stay. Just see it. If you like stuff like Mulholland Drive or Donnie Darko or anything like that, you’ll enjoy it. And then you should really come and report your explanations for the film. I’m curious to compare.

I was talking to Marriah last night, and she mentioned a friend of hers who was going through a rough time and wanting to “feel nothing”. Having been there, it just reminded me how awful that can be. Off and on for the past three years I’ve had periods where I’ve been completely numb- no happy, no sad, no anything. I never want to feel that way again. I remember begging for something, anything, even pain. Just something to know that it was all still real. I’ve now got my extreme ups and downs as a result of the bipolar, but it’s kids’ stuff compared to the emptiness you feel when you have no emotions. Ick. I feel for her, but I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. I’ve learned that hard way that pain is a big part of life, but without the bad we really wouldn’t have the good (as cliched as that may sound).

On a lighter topic (HA!), I’ve started smoking again, pretty much full time. And once again, I’m the smoker who is disgusted by the smell of smoke. I don’t know what to make of this, besides maybe a sensitive olfactory system. Anyway, I’ve noticed something: Since I only smoke outside (unless I’m in a restaurant and everyone else is doing it, in which case what’s one more?) my clothes seem to escape without too much absorption, but my hand and arm tend to be a little pungent. As a result, I’ve taken to washing not only my hands after a cigarette, but one entire arm as well. Yes, I know I’m odd, I wear my freak badge proudly. Still… I just noticed how weird it was today. If it was someone else, I might mock. So go ahead and mock, I’ve earned your pointing and laughing. Ya’ll just remember: I know where you sleep.

Random thought of the day: I’m sad because I’ll never be able to be a grandmother and make grandmother-quality cookies. Damn this penis. Damn it and the cookies I’ll never have.

So I just finished eating the not-terrible parmesan turkey meatloaf that I made this afternoon. Parents loved it (both went back for seconds, and I don’t think it was them trying to be nice). Woo-hoo. Another step in becoming decent in cooking for myself (and others), I guess.

There was supposed to be something about the subject as a metaphor for my life at times, but I’m not in the mood right now. Apparently my car is about 10,000 miles overdue for maintenance. Damn. How in the hell do I let these things get away from me?

Today felt like more of a Fall day than a Spring day. Temperatures in the 60s, a light, constant cool breeze, bright sunshine. The air smelled clean, crisp. Fucking gorgeous. And I spent the whole day inside because my car was out of gas. Goddamn it.

I finally got Frontpage to work. Turns out that Microsoft is now limiting your ability to use its programs until you activate/register them. Yeah, that was REAL cute. You couldn’t have mentioned that after I spent an hour and a half on the phone with you??? Little bastards. Good thing I’m not a quitter. Now to figure out what the hell I’m doing…

Miracle of miracles: I was finally able to sit and read some of a book today. Hooray! However, I’m going to leave that bit out when I talk to the psychiatrist tomorrow. Don’t need to bring anything up that reinforces medication I don’t like because of a one-day thing. If this reading ability becomes consistent then I’ll mention it later. But for now I’ll just celebrate today success. Again, hooray! More details on the book later, it’s going to deserve its own post from the looks of it.

Tomorrow: Maryville trip!

Note to self: Stop watching South Park. Words (or is it a phrase?) like “Manbearpig” have no place in your head. None, y’hear me?

For the record, I am not a technologically inept person. I’ve been using computers since age 2, I worked in the tech department at Staples for 3 years, and I’m a big ol’ geek. So why the fuck will nothing work for me today?
Example 1: I installed Frontpage 2003. Everything works fine, except one tiny problem: every time I press “save”, the program crashes. Fuck.
Example 2: I went and purchased a special USB cable for the digital camera my stepdad had lying around, downloaded and installed the drivers from Logitech, and then…. the computer still won’t recognize the camera. I’m sorry, but what the fuck is going on???

*sigh*. Guess I’m going to give up for today. Can’t wait for that tech support call to Microsoft tomorrow. Oh boy.

While driving today I spotted three guys, all in their teens, walking down the sidewalk towards me. They were outfitted in the typical urban thug gear. In other words, nothing surprising for the Atlanta suburbs. However, as I got closer I noticed that the guy in the middle happened to be blowing bubbles. As in through a kid-style bubble wand. I had to laugh. Very unexpected.

My gig bag for the piano arrived yesterday! Apparently my father is gearing me up to be a touring musician (HA! I’d be the lamest touring musician ever).

Nothing much new to report. Well, except that I think I’m going to switch therapists (yes, again). I like this guy well enough. He’s nice, and he seems to be a pretty good listener. Except…. he gives almost no feedback. And the feedback he does give is rather run-of-the-mill info, nothing earth-shattering, nothing helpful. So again I begin the search. Wish me luck this time.

On that same note, I’m beginning to wonder if I really need therapy. As I’ve said before, I have trouble identifying specific factors that are causing me problems. I just know that in general I don’t feel good most of the time, and I want to fix that. This guy hasn’t been any help, maybe the next one will. Still, makes me wonder: am I really that messed up, or is this all chemical? It would help if we’d perfected the medication situation; sadly, we’re far from it. These new drugs make me feel like hell 24/7. I have a constant feeling of unease, my nerves on fire. It’s not anxiety, it’s something very different. Then there’s the perpetual lethargy. So I have nervous energy but a lack of energy to do anything about it. How odd. The final nail in the coffin is the focus/concentration issue. Since I started these meds that situation has become exponentially worse. The end result is that I can’t wait to go to bed every night, just for a reprieve. Obviously we have some work to do.

And now it’s cocktail hour. Time for a Jack and Coke, damnit.

I’ve just finished securing all my important electronic devices. We’ve got a major storm going on outside- tons of lightning, and with it frequent cracks of lightning, along with torrential rain. Rather brilliant, it is. And now that the piano is unplugged and the computer is on a surge protector I can sit back and listen to the noise outside my window. Listening to a huge storm is both calming and humbling for me. I feel safe inside my house, yet I know that if the weather were to take a turn for the worse it could theoretically rip away the roof of this home, and me with it. I have nothing but the faith (in what?) that I’ll wake up in my bed tomorrow, and the hope that this faith will not be tested. G’night everybody. Pleasant dreams to you all. With any luck I’ll have loads of my own.