NOSTALGIA IS A WEAPON

Today felt like more of a Fall day than a Spring day. Temperatures in the 60s, a light, constant cool breeze, bright sunshine. The air smelled clean, crisp. Fucking gorgeous. And I spent the whole day inside because my car was out of gas. Goddamn it.

I finally got Frontpage to work. Turns out that Microsoft is now limiting your ability to use its programs until you activate/register them. Yeah, that was REAL cute. You couldn’t have mentioned that after I spent an hour and a half on the phone with you??? Little bastards. Good thing I’m not a quitter. Now to figure out what the hell I’m doing…

Miracle of miracles: I was finally able to sit and read some of a book today. Hooray! However, I’m going to leave that bit out when I talk to the psychiatrist tomorrow. Don’t need to bring anything up that reinforces medication I don’t like because of a one-day thing. If this reading ability becomes consistent then I’ll mention it later. But for now I’ll just celebrate today success. Again, hooray! More details on the book later, it’s going to deserve its own post from the looks of it.

Tomorrow: Maryville trip!

Note to self: Stop watching South Park. Words (or is it a phrase?) like “Manbearpig” have no place in your head. None, y’hear me?

For the record, I am not a technologically inept person. I’ve been using computers since age 2, I worked in the tech department at Staples for 3 years, and I’m a big ol’ geek. So why the fuck will nothing work for me today?
Example 1: I installed Frontpage 2003. Everything works fine, except one tiny problem: every time I press “save”, the program crashes. Fuck.
Example 2: I went and purchased a special USB cable for the digital camera my stepdad had lying around, downloaded and installed the drivers from Logitech, and then…. the computer still won’t recognize the camera. I’m sorry, but what the fuck is going on???

*sigh*. Guess I’m going to give up for today. Can’t wait for that tech support call to Microsoft tomorrow. Oh boy.

While driving today I spotted three guys, all in their teens, walking down the sidewalk towards me. They were outfitted in the typical urban thug gear. In other words, nothing surprising for the Atlanta suburbs. However, as I got closer I noticed that the guy in the middle happened to be blowing bubbles. As in through a kid-style bubble wand. I had to laugh. Very unexpected.

My gig bag for the piano arrived yesterday! Apparently my father is gearing me up to be a touring musician (HA! I’d be the lamest touring musician ever).

Nothing much new to report. Well, except that I think I’m going to switch therapists (yes, again). I like this guy well enough. He’s nice, and he seems to be a pretty good listener. Except…. he gives almost no feedback. And the feedback he does give is rather run-of-the-mill info, nothing earth-shattering, nothing helpful. So again I begin the search. Wish me luck this time.

On that same note, I’m beginning to wonder if I really need therapy. As I’ve said before, I have trouble identifying specific factors that are causing me problems. I just know that in general I don’t feel good most of the time, and I want to fix that. This guy hasn’t been any help, maybe the next one will. Still, makes me wonder: am I really that messed up, or is this all chemical? It would help if we’d perfected the medication situation; sadly, we’re far from it. These new drugs make me feel like hell 24/7. I have a constant feeling of unease, my nerves on fire. It’s not anxiety, it’s something very different. Then there’s the perpetual lethargy. So I have nervous energy but a lack of energy to do anything about it. How odd. The final nail in the coffin is the focus/concentration issue. Since I started these meds that situation has become exponentially worse. The end result is that I can’t wait to go to bed every night, just for a reprieve. Obviously we have some work to do.

And now it’s cocktail hour. Time for a Jack and Coke, damnit.

I’ve just finished securing all my important electronic devices. We’ve got a major storm going on outside- tons of lightning, and with it frequent cracks of lightning, along with torrential rain. Rather brilliant, it is. And now that the piano is unplugged and the computer is on a surge protector I can sit back and listen to the noise outside my window. Listening to a huge storm is both calming and humbling for me. I feel safe inside my house, yet I know that if the weather were to take a turn for the worse it could theoretically rip away the roof of this home, and me with it. I have nothing but the faith (in what?) that I’ll wake up in my bed tomorrow, and the hope that this faith will not be tested. G’night everybody. Pleasant dreams to you all. With any luck I’ll have loads of my own.

Just got back from seeing Silent Hill. I can safely say that I’ve never seen anything like it before. The closest comparison I could make would be The Cell, but it’s really nothing like that movie either. Creepy, atmospheric, with a gorgeous soundtrack (which had a tendency to seem out of place within the context of the movie, which made it fit even better with the film). I can’t recommend it for everyone (it is extremely violent), but if you’re looking for something different and have some free time then it’s a couple hours worth spent. Oh, and try and overlook plot holes, there’s so much to enjoy that it’d be a shame to waste it being nitpicky. Important to note: I have no explanation for the movie, and neither does the movie as far as I can tell. It’s an exercise in something… take that as you will.

In other randomness: While driving today I passed a median covered in small shrubs. As I went flying by I noticed that there was a large amount of smoke coming from one of the bushes, with no flame in sight. The humor of the situation didn’t occur to me till much later, long past the time I could have rolled down the window to see if the bush was feeling chatty. Still odd, though.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Xiu Xiu lately. Very different stuff, very difficult at times. The music varies from soothing to downright abrasive, and the lyrics all but abuse you into paying attention. But I’m fascinated, compelled to hear more. I find myself suddenly becoming angry while listening to this music, or suddenly sad. I like things that take you out of your own little world and into another, no matter how ugly or intense it may be, and this is definitely one of those things. This music challenges me, and I welcome it. It’s masochism in a way, but it’s also extreme beauty. It’s honest, and unflinching, and terrifying. I’m in love.

My question for you is this: are you listening to anything that challenges you? What is it, and what about it do you like, do you hate? I’m looking for suggestions. I need more of this. This helps me to feel alive, and I’m craving that feeling as of late.

Wow, sounding a bit like a lunatic there. But seriously, anyone?

I really love the word “loathe”. It seems so, I don’t know, intense. You can hate someone, but how often do you really loathe someone? Very expressive, to my taste anyway. I must use it more often.

Unlike “moist”. I hate that word. Anything that conjures up imagery of sweaty nether-regions or sick people is just plain icky. Strangely, I don’t have a problem with “moisten”. Hmm.

Wow, I’m bored.

I purchased http://www.littlepieceofyoursong.com the other day. There’s nothing there yet, but eventually this blog is going to be moved over there. I’ve been investigating the Wordpress software, and it looks to be pretty cool. Definitely has a lot more in the way of personalization options than blogger does. But the main reason for moving the blog is the need for password protection. I’ve had more people ask for my blog address lately, and I feel uncomfortable giving it out with the current info posted here. I need the ability to create accounts with specific levels of access, hence the move. Of course all my current readers will be able to have access to the more private entries; you’ve already seen a lot, not too worried about discretion with you all. When I get everything up and running then we’ll have to institute some sort of system where you email me and I set up an account for you. Unfortunately that’s going to remove some of the anonymity of the posters, what with you emailing me, but it’s going to be necessary in the long run so I can feel okay about who reads what. We’ll figure out something.

In the meantime I’m being overwhelmed with everything I read on website creation. I have no background knowledge on the subject, so every time I see something about modifying the .htaccess files and the creating of MySQL accounts I have to stop and remember to breathe. I’m in way over my head here. Calling all CS majors, stat!

I’ll make it work somehow… eventually.

Yes, I know I should update more, especially given the amount of hell I dish out to others about updating their own sites. I’ve just been in a weird funk the last few days. It’s been all “Hmm, I should update my blog… I don’t want to do it right now”. And then I never do it. Oh well. I’m here now, so you’re not allowed to yell at me (house-rules, man).

Saw the therapist again on Tuesday, and once again things went well. I discovered that I’m a little awkward with this whole process. He asks questions like “What kind of things do you want to focus on and/or accomplish here?”, which results in a blank stare from me. I want to feel better- that’s about all I’ve got. I pulled something out of my ass about self-esteem and coping techniques, but that’s only a tiny fraction of the problem. Trouble is, I don’t know what the rest of my problem is. I know I have a chemical imbalance and that I have issues dealing with it, but as far as specific factors… well, I just don’t have a clue. That’s kinda why I’m going to therapy, y’know?

Went to the new psychiatrist on Thursday. After driving around in circles for a bit trying to find the damn office (who knew there were additional suites behind the building?) I finally managed to get there and was pleasantly surprised by our meeting. He started the conversation with the following:

“My job is to understand what you’re going through, and to use that knowledge to help you to the best of my ability. Today you’re going to help me start that understanding process so I can learn how we can best work together.”

Whoa. I mean whoa. That is completely antithetical to how my last doctor operated, but exactly how I’d hoped someone in that position would. I’m used to being in and out the door in ten minutes; he talked with me for over thirty. End result is that he’s weaning me off some of the meds I’m on, increasing one, and switching my antidepressant from Lexapro to Zoloft. Hell fucking yes. I dig this guy already. To top that, he insisted on seeing my at least once a week to monitor my progress until I get stable. None of this once-a-month (should that be hyphenated?) crap. Actual consistent involvement from the person altering my brain chemicals. This is awesome.

According to that lovely smell drifting upstairs (honey-glazed ham, yum!) it must be about dinner time. A Happy Easter to you and yours, whatever that means to you. I hope you’re all in good company (the best part of a holiday for me, anyway). I have a suspicion that I will likely be fat by this time tomorrow, at least if my mother and her Easter basket have anything to say about it.

So… I really shouldn’t post when I’ve had no sleep and am having violent mood swings. Oops. My apologies to the blogging world for that one. I thought about deleting that last post, but I think it serves as a good reminder of how fucked up this whole thing can be sometimes. It was only a few hours after writing that I was back to being a normal human being. I’m just glad there wasn’t anyone around for me to take that out on. In penance I offer a real post.

Just got back from seeing a new therapist, and you know, I think this guy has the potential to work. He actually asked the right questions, responded to my answers thoughtfully and seriously, and seems to have the same goals for therapy that I do. As a result I’m seeing him again tomorrow afternoon. He also referred me to a psychiatrist who is going to see me for the much needed medication adjustment/overhaul this Thursday. Thursday! Not a month from now, but three days! In case it wasn’t obvious, I’m actually excited. Seems like things may finally be moving in my favor.

On top of all this coolness, I get home and turn on the tv to find Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends on Cartoon Network! Yes, I wear my geek badge proudly. I’m never too old for subversively funny cartoons. All I need is some Grim Adventures Of Billy And Mandy and I’ll be set.

(Edit: HA! Ok, so ten minutes after posting that and the commercial tells me that an episode of Grim Adventures is coming on next. Fuckin’ sweet.)