NOSTALGIA IS A WEAPON

I’m going to borrow some words of Enjelani’s, if only because she says it more eloquently than I can (I hope you don’t mind, Enji):

Breaking a person’s heart is terrible work. I was nervous all day beforehand, and now that it’s over I just feel like putting my face in my hands for a while.

There couldn’t be a more apt description of how I feel right now.

I don’t know that I’ve ever seen the light leave a person’s eyes before. All these small things. The way he suddenly stared at the table, the way his voice dropped to a whisper, then back up again, every word deflating that tiny balloon of happiness a little more. He was upset, but he maintained his composure. I’m the one who cried. Now I’m lying in bed feeling like the biggest asshole in the world, even though I did every thing I could to cause as minimal damage as possible. Only that’s not true, is it?
Fuck. Maybe I am an asshole.

Various aspects of various people have been grating on me lately, so I’m going to turn the tables on myself and wonder how obnoxious I am to others. What do I do that gets on others’ nerves? I know I can be clingy, needy. I can be a little too obsessed with things at times. I can be both overly passionate and completely dispassionate about stuff, sometimes to the detriment of others. I dunno. There’s probably dozens more that I’m unaware of. But I think I’m going to try and improve on those things. A little self-betterment. Be a little more attentive and receptive to the vibe coming from other people. Start working on those Nohari adjectives, improving what’s in my control to improve.

Um, maybe I need to talk to my therapist.

Okay, I really dig this layout. Don’t know why, it just does something for me. Sorry for the switch (again).

A moment of bitching: On November 19th, Matt, his roommate, and I were going to attend the Imogen Heap concert here in Atlanta (did I mention that Matt also has incredibly good taste in music?). And then today: they scheduled a mandatory store meeting for that night. Goddammit. The first opportunity I have to hang out with the new friend, and the fucking store puts the kibosh on it. Grr.

Am I the only one who thinks Chuck Klosterman is really cool?

I have no idea why I updated. I think I feel bad for neglecting the blog. Real content sometime soon when I’m sober, I swear.

Yeah, so that update I promised- I forgot about it. Oops. But hey, I’m here now! Hi.

I now present my list of Things I’ve Been Meaning To Write About For The Last Month Or So:

• Started a job (finally!). I’m working as a book slave for Borders. Rough start, but things seem to be going fairly well at the moment, so I think I’m going to stick with it for a while. It’s a little tough getting up at 4:30 every morning (yes, I am insane), but I’ve made it work thus far. There’s a whole bunch of work-related bitching I could add here, but I’ll spare you that.
• I’ve made a new friend (again, finally!). I think. Maybe. It’s a little complicated. Shortish version : There’s an amazing guy at work named Matt. He’s the training supervisor, so I worked with him closely for a few weeks. One day he was coming in as I was leaving, and I stopped to chat for a moment. Suddenly it’s three hours later, and Matt and I have talked right through half of his shift and all of his lunch break. I don’t know why, but I immediately felt comfortable around him. We would go from discussing the finer points of “Stuff On My Cat” to the gory details of our last relationships with no transition, no awkwardness. An instant trust. Anyway, it’s really rather cool. However, we work opposite schedules, so we have had no opportunity to get together outside of work. Which just frustrates me to all hell. I’ve finally found a friend, but I don’t get to hang out with him? Argh. I’m going to have to learn to be patient one of these days.
• As of last week I’ve now been on two consecutive dates with a really nice guy. I have no idea if this is going to turn into anything, but it feels like it has the potential to. (Moment of honesty: I’m absolutely terrified of it working out. I have no idea why.) We’ve spoken on the phone every day for the last few days, we’re going to get together later this week. This could either be really good or really bad. Time will tell.

Yeah, so that’s my update. It took me four drafts to write this, condensing it dramatically every time. I haven’t been writing anything for a while. I feel like I’ve become quite poor at it all of a sudden. My apologies for the rambling.

I hope you’re all well. Thanks to everyone who filled out the thingies from the previous post. I feel like I’ve got a better idea of how I really am now (I even got my Mom to fill it out! Because I am so cool…), and that gives me something to work with. One of these days I’ll try to post something interesting.