Safety first, don’t push
I don’t think my coworkers are taking too kindly to the “new me” that I unveiled today. Everybody keeps asking me if I’m okay, what’s wrong, and while it’s getting annoying, I can’t blame them. Yesterday I was energetic, smiling, joking, angry, yelling, profane, etc. Today I’m near-mute, eyes-to-the-ground, slightly lethargic, and pretty emotionless. I haven’t been this reserved since I was sixteen. I’d be asking what’s wrong, too.
How do you explain to someone that you’ve decided to shut yourself down for a while? See, in the last year, I’ve become a very different person than I remember being. Open, easy to talk to, social. I’ve made a lot of connections with people. I realized last night, in a fit of depression, how incredibly vulnerable this makes me feel. I’ve stretched myself too far and too thin, and I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t risk being hurt right now. I care too much about my job and the people I work with, and as a result I’ve become increasingly upset over small, stupid things at work. No more. It’s time to withdraw, to crawl back inside that old shell that used to be my home. Observation rather than participation. I may be completely wrong, but this feels safer.
Oh, and I’ve started dating someone. Geez, this should be interesting. I wonder how he’ll react when I see him tonight.
EDITED to add: Wow. Rereading this a few hours later, I could see how some of you might think I’m quite the asshole. I still think this is necessary, but I’m now going to have to carry the burden of potentially causing others damage in the process. I hope that can be avoided. I certainly don’t mean any offense, but I suppose we’ll see what happens.