Um, wow. ‘Course, this was inevitable at some point, but seriously: ouch.
That’s a very nonchalant way of describing what is possibly going to become a roiling mess of pain in my stomach, but I guess we’ll just wait and see how I feel in the light of tomorrow.
G’night, all (or few).
It’s weird how quickly time gets away from me. It’s been another month-plus since the last time I posted, and now there’s so much to say that I have no idea where to begin.
I’ve tried writing a lot lately, which has resulted in a new folder on my desktop that contains more than a dozen partially-composed entries. I’ve begun to think of these attempts as mid-term miscarriages. I start out with something promising, begin to develop something on the page, and then suddenly and without warning it aborts itself, unwilling to progress any further or develop into something whole. It’s endlessly frustrating.
Life is interesting these days. I’m going through cycles of highs and lows like I haven’t experienced in years. Yet it’s not the dangerous, uncontrollable kind; this is a result of experiencing, feeling. I’m realizing what it’s like to be alive again. I’d forgotten how much being alive could fucking hurt. But boy, those moments when you’ve bared your soul in the depth of conversation and had it accepted with a smile and a hug… those moments make all the suffering worthwhile. It’s what Enji said once when she was my age: “Everything is part of the journey. Frustration, peace, depression, ecstasy, loneliness, everything. Note that true happiness is impossible without suffering — there is no light without dark. Contrast, my dear, contrast.” This time tomorrow I might be singing a different tune. But I’ll take any moment of enlightenment, no matter how small or brief.
Sorry for the absence. I’ll try and return soon, hopefully with something a little more substantial and expository.