I don’t know if I’ve ever been as horrified or disgusted at myself as I am right now. I’m going to go find a deep, dark hole to crawl into. If you don’t hear from me for a bit…. take care, folks.
seeing myself this way
I am a monster I believe
and seeing is believing
……..
I sicken myself so much
-Toad the Wet Sprocket
-The world is a bit of a haze now, seen through the eyes of several beers, a mildly drunken filter placed in front of the world.
I stand in front of the mirror, shirtless. My eyes, pupils shrunken against the light. I see that I have form but not build. There is very little substance to me. My pants, size 28 waist, hang loosely just below my hips. Even the smallest waist-size pants fit me improperly. I am not frail, whispers of muscle definition, borne only by my exertion at work, peering around the edges of my frame. Yet it would take only a strong wind to sweep me away.
And there is a revelation: my mental self dwelling parallel to my physical body. Here is this structure which moves about and speaks, and yet exists as very little other than such. My true self, my personality, only visible at the corners, hides in the shadows. Incomplete perhaps, as the muscles are. In need of discipline, exercise, practical use in order to build into something tangible. -
Nothing but stream-of-consciousness ramblings written minutes ago, long after I should be asleep. God knows why I’m posting this, but who cares, really?